Jeff Ellis: It's Impossible To Start A Fire If You Have No Desire To Burn

The Mighty Thor Wants You To Drive A Hybrid!

I saw the latest commercial from General Motors today. 

(For future historians, GM has just recently declared bankruptcy, axed a whole lot of dealers without warning, and is basically now run by the U.S. government.  And yes, quite a few wags are now claiming that GM stands for "Government Motors.")

The commercial didn't really seem like a car commercial.  Instead, it felt like a campaign ad.  Basically, a somber (yet youthful and rather patronizing) narrator explained to us that GM going bankrupt didn't mean that GM was destructing.  Instead, it meant that GM was "changing" with the times. 

Yes, there's that word again.

Everything's being done for change and I suppose that's meant to be a good thing.

The entire narration was set to a rather hypnotic montage of familiar images, all meant to be "inspiring."  We had various professional athletes screaming in agony before then fighting through the pain and leading their respective teams to victory.  We had pristine, middle class neighborhoods.  We had the stock shot of the stoic, African-American assembly line worker at a car factory.  I suppose he was included to make sure that we understood that not enthusiastically rallying around GM is apparently -- much like criticizing the President -- an act of blatant racism.

But one image dominated the commercial.

One thing was shown over and over and over and over again.

The hybrid.

Yes, indeed.  Every car shown in this commercial was a hybrid.  The narrator told us that GM was changing for the better.  Hybrid.  A basketball player grimaces as he shoots from the free throw line.  Hybrid.  The sun rises over middle America.  Hybrid.  After every image and after every simplistic statement delivered by the narrator, we were shown a hybrid.  Often times, we were only shown the word Hybrid on the front of the car.

It was a bit like sitting through the psychological evaluation film that Warren Beatty watched in The Parallax View.  Except, of course, that the Parallax View mixed together images of the Mighty Thor and Adolf Hitler while GM's new commercial mixes pro-athletes and hybrids.

It was quite Orwellian, to be very honest.

Breakfast of Champions

Americans have always had a tendency to go overboard when it comes to "illegal" drug use and this has never been more evident than when one witnesses the current furor over Olympic gold medalist Michael Phelps getting photographed while holding a bong.

The picture, which ran in a British tabloid, was apparently snapped while Phelps was visiting the University of South Carolina back in November.  Though you can't see Phelps' face in the photo, Phelps has admitted that it was him and he has officially apologized.

Word is that Phelps could lose a fortune in endorsement deals as a result.

If you look at the picture, it's hard not to feel that Phelps was set up.   First off, the picture shows the back of his head.  Secondly, if you look at the way that Phelps is holding the bong, he's not holding it like an experienced smoker.  He's holding it like an uptight kid who, upon having the pipe thrust upon him, is doing his best to try to look cool while taking a very awkward hit.

But let's say that Phelps wasn't set up.

Let's say that Michael Phelps brought his own bong with him to the University of South Carolina.  Let's go as far as to say that he's been a huge pothead all of his life and he's even named his water pipe Billy Bong Thornton.  Let's say that he spends all of his spare time cracking up his buddies by imitating Bob Saget in Half-Baked.

Let's say all of that is true.

So what?

Instead of apologizing and then watching as the outraged citizens of America hold bonfires to get rid of all of their tainted Michael Phelps products, perhaps Phelps should have said, "Yeah, I'm a pothead.  And I still broke Olympic records and won more gold medals than any of you judgmental assholes ever will."

Indeed, if anything should prove that marijuana use is not the greatest social ill facing this nation, it would be Michael Phelps coming out as a pothead.

As an advocate of drug legalization, my sincere hope is that, should Phelps lose his lucrative endorsement deals as a result of this, he will assume a new role as the spokesman for NORML.

It's time to make marijuana the new Wheaties.

A Terrible Confession

I'm watching the Super Bowl Halftime Show right now.

Now is as good a time as any to admit the truth.

Other than putting me to sleep, the music of Bruce Springsteen has never done anything for me.

To me, his songs and his entire persona seem to be the epitome of a yuppie's attempt to imagine what it's like to be the common man.

Go Cardinals!

Tomorrow's the Super Bowl.

Steelers vs. Cardinals in Florida.

Pittsburgh.  Phoenix.  Tampa.  As one local radio commercial puts it, is this a superbowl or is it Whitesnake's new world tour?

As for me, I am rooting for the Cardinals.

Why?

I'm bored with watching the "favorites" win.

It's time for an upset.

Ardglass, Here I Come!

The final presidential debate between John McCain and Barack Obama is coming to an end.  As soon as each candidate has made his final statement, the post-mortems will begin.

My thoughts, from seeing the final 30 minutes of this debate between the two men who are vying to control America's future, is this.

There is a lovely village in Northern Ireland.  It's a fishing village, located off of the Lecale Peninsula in County Down.  It's a village named Ardglass.  It is located 30 miles south of Belfast and a few miles east from Downpatrick (the historic resting place of St. Patrick).  Along with some historic ruins, Ardglass also boasts a beautiful golf course that I've always wanted to play.

After watching tonight's debate, I have decided that regardless who wins in November, I am moving to Ardglass.  I am going to spend four years playing golf and writing.  For four years, I shall be very enigmatic about my origins.  I may even use a fake name though I doubt my ego will allow me to get away with that.  If anyone asks me why I left America, I'll take a drag off my cigarette and cynically reply, "I didn't leave America.  America left me."

It'll be fun!

The 2008 Emmys, Part Four

9:03 -- The producers of John Adams, during their acceptance speech, couldn't help but say that the election of Jefferson Vs. Adams was full of "lies, innuendo, and partisan something-or-another."  "How great," he added, "that we've come so far since then..."  Oh, fuck off.  Believe it or not, I try to limit the profanity on this blog but seriously, dude -- fuck off. 

9:10 -- Neil Patrick Harris and Kristen Chenoweth (I'm butchering her last name, I know) are presenting the award for Best Host Of A Variety Special.  I'm hoping that Jon Stewart wins for the Academy Awards...

9:11 -- So, of course, Don Rickles ends up winning for Mr. Warmth.  Which is good because I like Don Rickles.

9:12 -- And, as Rickles gives his acceptance speech, I am looking over the other installments of my Emmy coverage.  First off, let me apologize for the lack of polish.  That's live blogging for ya!  Secondly, allow me to say "Thanks, Debbie."

9:16 -- Also, I should correct something I said in my first installment of my Emmy coverage.  Zeljko Ivanek did not play Gov. Devlin on Lost.  He played Gov. Devlin on Oz.  There's a big difference between Lost and Oz.

9:20 -- I wonder how the Cowboys are doing up in Wisconsin.  I hope they're doing better than my virtual football team -- the Ardglass Beerbroks -- are doing over on the Goal Line Blitz MMORPG.  The Beerbroks have played two games so far.  They lost the first one by a score of 0-64.  They followed this up by losing their next game by a score of 0-147.  You read that  right.  0 to 147.  We play again tomorrow.  Hopefully, the Beerbroks will manage to actually get into field goal range at some point during the game.  I'm not asking that they actually make the field goal.  Just get into range, guys.  Seriously, give me something here!

9:25 -- While I was writing all that, Paul Giamitti won Best Actor in a Miniseries for John Adams.  Giamitti should have won an Oscar for both American Splendor and Sideways.

9:26 -- Alec Baldwin just won for Best Actor in a Comedy.  He defeated Steve Carrell.  Boo!  Baldwin just called Tina Fey the "Elaine May of her generation."  Does that mean that Fey is going to direct her generation's version of Ishtar?

9:28 -- They appear to be attempting to speed things up as Glenn Close was named Best Actress in a Drama even as Alec Baldwin was still stepping off the stage.  Anyway, every award ceremony has to have a "Give-More-Role-To-Old-Women" speeches and apparently, this was Close's year to do it.

9:30 -- Now, they're showing the montage of the dead.  William F. Buckley, Charlton Heston, Mel Ferrer, Joey Bishop, Sydney Pollack, Estelle Getty, Bernie Mac, Suzanne Pleshette, Abby Mann, Harvey Korman, Jim McKay (who is seen announcing the deaths of the Israeli athletes at the '72 Olympics -- "They're all gone."  Heartbreaking.), and so many others.

On that note, let's end this installment.

The 2008 Emmys, Part One

7:00 pm -- While the rest of my neighbors watch the Cowboys playing the Packers in Green Bay, I am watching the Primetime Emmy Awards.  I've just turned over to ABC and caught the end of a Jimmy Kimmel special.  And now, the Emmys are starting with a strangely lifeless montage of various TV stars repeating the catch phrases of other TV stars.  About twenty different people took turns repeating "Oh Crap."  Not a really great way to kicking things off, quite frankly...

7:01 pm -- Oprah Winfrey has come out on stage and she is now explaining just what exactly the Emmys are.  She just quoted Groucho Marx.  I really have to wonder what Groucho would have to say about Ms. Winfrey is he was still alive today.  It's strange to realize that, several decades ago, Winfrey actually came across as a human being.  Winfrey is now introducing our hosts for the evening -- Tom Bergerron, Jeff Probst, Howie Mandel, Heidi Klum, and Ryan Seacrest.

7:05 pm -- It's amazing how five minutes can seem like twenty.

7:06 pm -- Howie Mandel just made a joke about "Sarah Palin's Bridge to Nowhere."   Yawn.

7:08 pm -- William Shatner is now on stage with Bergerron and Klum. 

7:09 pm -- It's amazing how nine minutes can seem like forty.

7:10 pm -- Finally, an award!  Tina Fey and Amy Poelher are here to present an award.  Why aren't Fey and Poelher hosting?  Anyway, the award is for Best Supporting Actor in Comedy and the nominees are Jon Cryer, Kevin Dillion, Neil Patrick Harris, Jeremy Piven, and Rainn Wilson.  I am hoping for Wilson to win.  If Piven wins yet again, I will be...

7:11 pm -- ...as annoyed as I am right now to see that Jeremy Piven has won for a third straight year.  Yes, yes, Piven is hilarious on Entourage but seriously, is he really that great?  Remember when John Larroquette kept winning for Night Court in the '80s?

7:15 pm -- And we hit our first commercial break. 

7:20 pm -- And we are back.  Bergerron and Seacrest are sitting in a tacky diner set.  Apparently, this set is meant to represent Monk's from Seinfeld.  A clip from the Contest is being shown.  For some reason, watching Jerry, George, Kramer, and Elaine discuss masturbation reminds me that Howie Mandel cannot shake hands.

7:21 -- Julia Louis-Dreyfuss is presenting best supporting actress in a comedy series.  The nominees are Jean Smart, Holland Tayler, Kristen Chenoweth, Vanessa Williams, and Amy Poelher.  The Emmy goes to Jean Smart for Samantha Who?  I really have absolutely no feelings whatsoever regarding this category.  Still, it's always nice to see Smart win an award.  She seems like a cool person.  And, of course, we all still love her for the work she did on 24.

7:23 -- Just watched a Visa commercial.  You know what really annoys me?  When a commercial features a montage of twenty different people repeating the exact same phrase, one after another.  Such as -- "And no other card..." "no other card..." "no other card...." "no other card...." "no other card..." "no other card..." "no other card..." blah blah blah blah....

7:26 -- And we're back and watching a clip from Desperate Housewives.  And now, the Desperate Housewives themselves are coming out on stage.  When did Dana Delaney join the cast?  Anyway, they are now presenting the award for Best Supporting Actor in a Drama.  The nominees are Ted Danson, Michael Emerson, Zeljko Ivanek, William Shatner. and John Slattery.  Emerson deserves the award.

7:29 -- So, of course, the award goes to Ivanek.  Still, Ivanek is a great character actor and he's always been a bit underappreciated.  So, it's nice to see him win and I'm sure that Emerson will have other opportunities.  I'm watching Ivanek give his speech.  Good Lord, how many classic shows has Ivanek appeared in?  Think about it.  He was Ed Danvers on Homicide, he was Gov. Devlin on Lost, he was one of the villains in the first season of 24.  Plus, I just watched the film In Burges on DVD last night and Ivanek has a brilliant cameo.  It's good to see him rewarded.

7:32 -- Ricky Gervais introduces a montage of past acceptance speeches.  Gervais is now insulting Steve Carrell from the stage.  And the question becomes -- why isn't Gervais hosting?

7:36 -- This year's Academy Award telecast just won an Emmy.  Doesn't this happen every year?

7:37 -- And as we got to commercial and Jeff goes to smoke a cigarette, this seems as good a place as any to end part one of our live coverage of the 60th Annual Emmy Awards.

Just wondering

Are the Olympics over yet?

Watching the Olympics

I haven't really been paying too much attention to the summer Olympics.  As I've never been the athletic sort, I suppose that's to be expected.

Still, earlier today, I was bored enough that I vaguely watched some international athletes swimming from one side of a pool to another.  I understand that the U.S. is apparently having a good year as far as Olympic water sports are concerned and, speaking as someone who has never been able to master the simple art of swimming, it was impossible not to be impressed by the dedication of the various athletes competing earlier today.  They have my respect even if I have absolutely no desire to actually watch them compete.

Of course, a lot of the Olympic coverage has dwelled on the fact that these are the Beijing Olympics and the Chinese are apparently obsessively trying to control the images of their country that are being beamed out to the rest of the world.  Why this should be surprising, I do not know.  Have we all forgotten the happy images of dancing peasants that the Soviet Union used to release to the world while, in actuality, many of its citizens were starving to death?  That's always been one of the main flaws with communism; the belief that every societal ill can simply be eliminated by adopting an ideological stance.  Since reality -- which includes problems that are far too messy and complex to be theorized out of existence -- is usually the biggest argument against communism, communist regimes have always done their best to make sure that no hint of reality escapes their borders.

One still has to wonder why exactly anyone would think that China was the proper country to host the Olympic Games.  Of course, I'm biased by the fact that, in 1989, I was still young enough and innocent enough to be shocked and horrified by the images of the tanks rolling into Tiananmen Square.  Whether fairly or not, China will always be Tienanmen Square to me.

Of course, the interesting thing about the world's view of China is that it tends to soften every few years.  Every couple of years, the conventional wisdom will become that the Chinese government really isn't that bad.  This usually leads to a whole lot of news reports about "reforms" in China.  This especially seems to happen a lot in the U.S. where far too many people still seem to labor under the belief that Mikhail Gorbachev introduced the idea of perestroika to every communist nation on the planet as opposed to the Soviet Union.  Indeed, it's been so long since we've had a Soviet Union to serve as our opposite that many Americans have forgotten just why exactly communism can be such a dangerous ideology to begin with.

(Before the angry e-mails come in, please note that I said communism and not socialism.  I'm not a supporter of either, mind you.)

Myself, I've always felt that the occasional belief in the U.S. that China is reforming has to do with the fact that China was given permanent Most Favored Nation (or Normal Trade Relations as they put it now) in 2000.  As long as China is reforming, we don't have to feel guilty about sending money to a country with as dismal a human rights record as the People's Republic of China.

(In general, one should be wary of any country that describes itself as being "the people's.")

One reason that Tienanmen Square horrified so many here in the U.S. is because, in the days and literally hours preceding the actual attack, we had been told that the protests in Tienanmen Square were a sign that reform was sweeping China.  Whether it was a case of extreme innocence or optimism or just the mistaken belief that all communists were Mikhail Gorbachev, Americans were convinced that the protests in Tienanmen Square were a positive thing that could only lead to a safer, more peaceful world.

And then the tanks rolled in.

Remember this famous picture?

As inspiring as it was to see this one man standing up to four tanks in the square, it doesn't change the fact that this man -- who has never been identified by name -- was probably murdered for his courage.

Still, despite it all, we continue to believe in those "reforms."  If I remember correctly, Beijing was awarded the 2008 Olympics during one of those blissfully naive periods of time.

Fortunately for the rest of the world (if regretfully for the people of China), it always seems that the Chinese government manages to do something -- whether it's sending tanks in Tienanmen Square or obsessively trying to control the images coming out of the Olympics --  to wake the world up.

Big Brother 10: The Victims

In alphabetical order, here are my first impressions of Big Brother 10's initial houseguests.  These are based on watching the premiere episode on Sunday and Big Brother After Dark on Sunday and Monday.  As the show has just begun, nobody has been voted out yet and it's still a bit difficult to get a real handle on anyone's personality.  So, these first impressions will probably say more about my own individual prejudices than anything else.  So be it.

Angie -- Angie is this season's Brunette With Big Boobs.  (Actually, she's one of two but, in the end, I think she beats Michelle hands down...)  Angie spent last night in tears after Head of Household Jerry called her a "psycho."  Although a few folks tried to talk to her, the only person she responded to is current house pariah Brian.  Not a good move but I have a feeling that Angie might survive this if just because she comes across as more emotional and less threatening than either Brian or Dan.

April -- April appears to be this season's Blond With Big Tits.  (Though, in a shocking twist, she is having to compete for that spot with Keesha.)  April's big moment on the premiere was when she screamed "They're real!" and thrust her boobs in Jerry's face.  Jerry turned red, had a heart attack and died.  Either that or he started giggling like a school boy and repeating, "They are!  They are!"  One of those two.  Anyway, I think April might be smarter than she's letting on.  Or maybe that's Keesha.  It's a little bit difficult to keep them straight.

Brian -- Brian is the latest in a long line of Big Brother puppet masters who attempted to manipulate his puppets a bit too early.  Brian convinced Jerry to nominate Remy and Jessie for eviction and then made the mistake of bragging about it loudly enough for the information to get back to Jerry.  Jerry responded by winning the power of veto and promptly putting Brian up on the block.  As such, Brian appears to be on the verge of going home.  Beyond being far too arrogant and cocky for his own good, Brian hasn't made much of an impression.  Last night, he ended up organizing a rather morbid sock puppet show which would seem to indicate that he might be a bit more interesting than has been evident so far.  The general expectation seems to be that Brian will be the first to go.

Dan -- Dan is a teacher at Catholic Boy's School.  He's pretty much indistinguishable from Brian except that Dan tends to dress in all black.  Dan says that he can do anything he wants to in the house because he can always just go to confession once he gets out.  A lot of viewers seem to hate Dan.  Well, they hated Dr. Will at first, too.  Dan is cool.

Jerry -- Before the houseguests could enter the Big Brother house, they were required to vote for who they wanted to be the very first head of household.  They were not allowed to talk to each other before hand and pretty much had to cast their ballot on the basis of physical appearance.  Jerry won and, as a result, he is currently in charge.  Why did Jerry win?  It probably had something to do with the fact that he's 75 years old and looks like he's 88. 

Anyway, Jerry is a former Marine who served in Korea and who lives in Texas.  Right now, he's popular with a lot of viewers because he's the oldest contestant to ever appear on Big Brother and he seems to have his wits about him.  (Americans always seemed to be shocked whenever anyone over the age of 70 can still remember his name.  See my comments about ageism here.)  Most of the recaps I have read have described Jerry as a "nice guy."  I think this has more to do with the viewers having good memories than of their own grandfathers than anything that Jerry has said or done.  If anything, Jerry's come across as bossy, self-righteous, and full of himself.  Trust me, America -- you'll hate Jerry in about two more weeks.  On late night's Big Brother After Dark, Jerry attempted to explain why he thought Donald Rumsfeld was "the one" who decided to go war in Iraq.  Nobody listened to him so Jerry just yelled louder.  He also made Angie cry by calling her "a psycho."  While Angie did seem a bit too sensitive for her own good, Jerry's eventual apology -- which boiled down to "sorry if you're stupid enough to take me seriously" -- was classic grumpy old man speak.

Jessie -- Jessie is apparently a world-ranked body builder.  He was originally nominated for eviction but got his eviction vetoed when Jerry decided to go after Brian.  Jessie has spent most of his time saying that he's scared people are going to target him because he's a body builder.  THEN STOP WEARING THOSE GODDAMN MUSCLE SHIRTS ALL THE TIME, JESSIE!  Anyway, Jessie seems amazingly wimpy for a body builder.

Keesha -- Keesha is currently competing with April for the role of Blond Houseguest With Big Boobs.  She works at Hooters and looks a lot like Danielle from season 8.  Maybe she can have a romance with Evil Dick once she gets out of the house.  Otherwise, there's not much to say about Keesha.

Libra -- Libra is one of three Texans in the house.  She described herself as an "Obama Supporter in Bush Country" which is such a cliche that I immediately stopped paying attention to her.  If she really wanted to impress me with her political courage, she should have claimed to have been an "Obama Supporter in Clinton Country."

Memphis -- Memphis is a bartender.  He demands that people refer to him as a "bartender."  He looks a lot like Brian.  I'd like him better if his parents had named him after King of Prussia, Pennsylvania or Nutbush, Tennessee.

Michelle -- Michelle has yet to make any impression whatsoever.  On the premiere, a big deal was made of the fact that she (or at least I think it was Michelle -- the Female Houseguest With Big Boobs is such a stock character on Big Brother that they all tend to blend together) was of Portuguese descent.  Which I guess means that her family originally came from Portugal.  Uhmmm, my family originally came from County Down, Northern Ireland.

Ollie -- Ollie's a preacher's kid who does not smoke, drink, or (so he claims) curse.  These three traits alone make his somewhat unique among Big Brother contestants.  Ollie, so far, has come across like a likable enough guy but I dread the idea of him staying around the game for too long if just because I don't want to have to listen to those annoying Gregorian Chants that the show's producers choose to play whenever an openly religious house guest makes the mistake of praying on camera.  Speaking as a nonbeliever, I tend to find the show's flippant attitude towards the various house guest's religious beliefs far more offensive than any of those beliefs themselves.

Renny -- Renny is a flamboyant eccentric (read: annoying harpy) from New Orleans.  She was apparently selected for the show on the assumption that anyone from New Orleans is entertaining.  (Yet another example of Katrina Guilt.)  So far, Renny has come across as a loud, immature, and self-centered woman who wears enough makeup that it's easy to mistake her for a drag queen dressed up like Gloria Swanson in Sunset Boulevard.  She's been nominated for eviction and would be gone if not for the fact that Brian has actually managed to make a worse impression on the houseguests than Renny did.  That said, I hope Renny goes soon because, while we're all glad that she didn't drown, she is still the television equivalent to nails on a chalkboard.

Steven -- Steven's from Dallas.  He's a gay cowboy.  On the premiere episode, he said he wasn't going to reveal that he was gay.  Interesting strategy (and maybe not a bad one as the guys in the house don't strike me as being the types who got much out of Brokeback Mountain) but one that he has apparently abandoned if Big Brother After Dark is any evidence.  Not really much else to say about Steven.  One of the unfortunate things about shows like Big Brother is that they tend to pick their contestants to fill certain slots.  Such as, every season has to have a gay guy and a black guy and a single mother as opposed to having a guy who happens to be gay or a guy who happens to be black or a woman who happens to be a single mother.  The main result of this is that these contestants are forced to play their "roles" just by the virtue of being the only gay or black or single mother in the household.  They become symbols rather than people and as such, you rarely get any impression of who they are beyond their race or sexuality.  Personally, I think it would be interesting to do a season of Big Brother or Survivor where all of the contestants are black except for one white guy.  Or, for that matter, a season where everyone is gay except for one straight guy (or woman).