Jeff Ellis: It's Impossible To Start A Fire If You Have No Desire To Burn

At Work

Apparently, while I was on vacation last week, everything at my job fell apart.  I returned to complete and total chaos.

It is exhausting.

Still, it does serve to remind me why my "day job" will always be my job and never my career.

Ennui Thoughts

Blogging is a lot like playing golf and nothing like riding a bike.  You don't want to get out of practice because you will forget how to do it properly.

I'm afraid to say that the month of August, so far, has been devoid of passion for me.  Not even the Obama Health Care Plan can destroy this lethargic ennui.  Sure, I could sit here and write about how it will ultimately do more harm than good.  I could explain why socialism, ultimately, does not work.  I could talk about the elitist foolishness that currently passes for policy among those in the American Left.

But another part of me says, "Why bother?"  The American people, ultimately, will not swayed by reality.  The American people will only be swayed by fantasy.  Right now, they have a fantasy of Barack Obama leading them, like sheep, through the Pearly Gates.

Still, Obama's approval rating has declined.  Occasionally, you hear people openly criticizing him.  Sometimes, even Katie Couric seems to be struggling to figure out how to present a positive spin on the Obama administration.

I will continue to blog.  I will continue to offer my insignificant voice to the times that we live in.  I will do so though I know it will do no good.  I do so because we all have to do something.

We have to do something.

So Far, My Vacation Is Not Living Up To Its Potential

So far, my vacation from my "day job" has proven to be a bit of a bust.  I've been too tired to do much of anything and I haven't had my usual daily routine to give me any motivation to actually get out of bed.  As much as I hate that routine, it apparently does serve a purpose.

I did watch Lost Highway tonight.  That film remains as brilliant and annoying today as when I first saw it way back in 1996.

Hopefully, tomorrow will be a more active day.

Commitments

I've been running behind on my blogging as of late.  I think a lot of it has to do with work commitments and a lot of it has to do with my own current state of ennui.

However, I've made a commitment to myself (right here, right now as the song goes) to get back into things starting on Saturday.  That will be the 1st day of my vacation from my hated day job and it will be as good a time as any to try to figure out the new America and where I fit into it.

Dizzy Spells At Work

Today's big news:

Around 9 in the morning, while I was at my hated day job, I was suddenly hit by a wave of dizziness.  For some reason, I reacted to this by trying to take a step forward.  The end result was my falling to the floor and staying down there for a couple of minutes.

That, quite honestly, was a rather odd experience though it only became disturbing in retrospect.  At the time, I was so surprised and embarrassed that all I could do was make a joke and move on.

Anyway, I managed to stay on my feet for the rest of the day though the dizzy spells continued to occur at irregular intervals.

If this is still going on tomorrow, I'll make a doctor's appointment to get myself checked out. 

Obviously, I'm hoping it is nothing.

How I Hate The Blazing Sun Of Texas

It's summer and it is far too hot.

It always takes me a while to adjust to the heat of a Texas summer.

I was not made for this type of weather.

Another Update On Dad

My Dad is getting released from the hospital today.  It appears that he's going to be okay.

Update On My Dad

A lot of people have contacted me (in one way or the other) over the past 24 hours to wish my Dad the best.  Some of them have been people that I've known online for several years now (like Lorelei Leigh, who I have to give some individual thanks to as her two messages to me provided me more comfort than I can being to express). And some were complete strangers who just happened to randomly surf across either this blog or one of my posts over on twitter.  Thank you to everyone who has been kind enough to keep my Dad in your thoughts. 

He's still in the hospital and will probably be there for the next three days or so.  My mom has explained to me what the problem appears to be but I still don't quite understand how it all works.  Basically, he has a very serious infection and hopefully, these antibiotics will kill the infection.  My fear, right now, is that the infection is in his heart and if these antibiotics don't do the job, he might have to go through some sort of surgery on his heart.

Honestly, all I'm doing here is showing off my total lack of medical knowledge.  Honestly, all I know about medicine is what I've seen on House and St. Elsewhere.  And neither one of those are shows I want to think about while my Dad is in the hospital.

The important thing is that, right now, my Dad appears to be doing fine.  My mom is spending her days up at the hospital with him and just about all of my information concerning his health is coming from her.  I hate to say it but this latest crisis has actually strained my relationship with my mom.  She keeps waiting for the doctors to tell us what the problem is and how to fix it.  I keep wondering if the doctors even know our name.

Tomorrow, she will be talking to one of the doctors.  Maybe she'll find out just what exactly is going on.

Until then, allow me to again express my sincere gratitude to everyone who has taken the time to write.  You helped me survive a very difficult day and even now, your words continue to make this time a little bit easier to get through.

My Dad Is Not Well

The power is back on but my Dad is in the hospital.

He's been running a fever off-and-on for a few months now and he's been to countless doctors who have not been able to find anything wrong.

The latest doctor called him today and told him that the latest rounds of tests indicated that he had "bacteria" in his blood.  I don't know what that means except that my mom took him to the hospital about an hour ago.

I'm frightened.

I've never been close to my father but that's not because of any desire on our part.  Both of us have made an attempt to get to know each other over the past few years.  We just don't know how.

I don't know how sick he is.  I don't know what this "bacteria" is.  I just know that if he dies, I will have lost whatever chance I had to be a son to my father.

At times like this, I regret not having a God to sincerely pray to.  I will pray but, since I don't believe in God, they will simply be selfish prayers designed to lessen my own feelings of guilt.

I love my Dad.

I can type that.

But I've never been able to say it.

I feel it but I've never said it.

Love the Darkness

It has now been three days since the power went out.  Again, I am writing this latest entry from the Richardson Public Library.  Today, I moved every perishable piece of food that could be saved into chests filled with ice.  These chests now sit in the kitchen, stacked like crates at a warehouse.  The temperature is reaching 100.  There is no air conditioning.  I took my morning shower in the dark.  Somehow, it's impossible to feel clean without light.  My neighbor claims that he saw a TXU truck driving around the neighborhood.  He says that he chased them down.  He says that they told him not to count on getting any power until Saturday.  They said that there were simply too many people ahead of us who also needed power.  If that's the case, I wondered, then why were they driving around our neighborhood?  Misery and paranoia love the darkness.