Here's a message of hope (and yes, change as well) to all of my fellow hysterical, easily deluded countrymen! Fear not the so-called pandemic. Fear not because--
To which Jeff Ellis says, "No shit, Barry."
Sorry, my friends. The world's not going to end tonight or tomorrow. Life is going to go on.
Seriously, the current fear over the Swine Flu has got to be the most pathetic American panic since the whole Satanic Day Care Abuse Panic of the late 1980s.
Earlier today, one of my coworkers came into the office and, as usual, started in with the usual list of reasons of why he shouldn't be expected to do his job well. This morning, the list started off with, "I've been sneezing a lot."
"Maybe you've got Swine Flu," I replied.
He walked out of the office and drove across town to see a doctor and discover if I was right.
(I was not.)
If that wasn't enough, my commute home was dominated by the sight of pedestrians wearing surgical masks. It was all rather surreal, as if my neighborhood had suddenly been taken over by an army of Michael Jackson clones.
Tonight, I ate dinner with the lovely Lisa Bowman. We went out to a small, quaint little Italian place located near the SMU campus in Dallas. As always, the food was great. The music was relaxing. The atmosphere was cozy. The ambiance was romantic. It was a wonderful dinner until we noticed that our waiter was wearing rubber gloves.
And now, as we sit here watching TV, we are confronted with a nonstop, scrolling list of all of the weekend activities that have been canceled in order to prevent a Swine Flu pandemic in the Dallas/Ft. Worth metroplex.
Classes have been canceled.
The local meeting of the Girl Scouts? Canceled.
(Strangely, there is no mention of the Boy Scouts.)
All outdoor, civic-related gatherings? Canceled.
I'm going to call my neighbors and see whether or not the weekly wife swapping party is still on.
Hopefully, the nation will have calmed down by the end of the weekend or else it's going to be a truly disappointing Cinco De Mayo this year.
But, as I said before, fear not! Your president has just announced what, if you had any common sense, you would have known already.
America will survive the Swine Flu.