Jeff Ellis: It's Impossible To Start A Fire If You Have No Desire To Burn

Jeff's Latest Emmy Nods

We're rapidly approaching the announcement date for the latest Primetime Emmy Nominations.  The TV Academy has released the list of the top ten semifinalists for both Best Comedy and Best Drama.  That list -- along with the specific episode that was submitted this time around for consideration -- can be read here.

It's an interesting list, a mix of the usual mediocre suspects (shows like Boston Legal and Grey's Anatomy that have never done much for me personally), the diamonds-in-the-rough (shows like the Office, 30 Rock, and Lost), and a few shows that elitist snobs like me always assumed were too brilliant for the Emmy judges to understand (The Wire, finally mentioned if not ultimately nominated).   

The biggest surprise, for me, was the appearance of The Family Guy in the comedy top ten.  I'm not a huge fan of the Family Guy.  On the whole, I pretty much agree with South Park's analysis of the show.  To me, the show's constantly crude humor is somewhat tiresome and the plots of each episode, far too often, only serves to remind of other better animated cartoons. 

Far too often, the Family Guy is the Soap to The Simpson's Mary Hartmann Mary Hartmann.

Of course, it should be noted that Soap scored multiple nominations (but no wins) for Best Comedy Series during its run while Mary Hartmann received not one.

And, it should also be noted, that individual episodes of The Family Guy are often quite hilarious.  It's only after you've seen several episodes that the show starts to grow tiresome. 

Of course, it should also be noted that the Emmys are different from the Oscars in that each nominee is required to submit their work for consideration if they want that consideration.  In other words, it's not as if the Emmy judges are simply turning on their TV and taking notes.  They are watching episodes that were specifically submitted for consideration in specific categories by specific potential nominees.  The creator of the Family Guy, Seth McFarlane, took a big chance by submitting his show for Best Comedy and, so far, it looks like it might actually pay off for him.  I'm not sure if the creators of The Simpsons, King of the Hill, or South Park have ever submitted their shows in that category or if they've simply chosen to remain content with competing for Best Animated Program. 

So, perhaps until those facts are clarified, it would be a good idea to hold back on any more bile directed towards the possibility of Family Guy competing for Best Comedy.

Anyway, after looking over the top ten contenders in each category, here's what I would have ended up nominating.  (I should note that, since I'm not a member of the Academy, I will be judging based on each show's entire season as opposed to just one episode.)

Staring with Best Drama, my nominees would be:

Dexter

House

Lost

Mad Men

The Wire

Dexter, on the whole, will probably be a bit too extreme for the judges.  Lost might make it back since the episode submitted (The Constant) was one of the best of last year (and one of the few episodes to contain the closest that Lost ever gets to a complete 60-minute story arc).  Mad Men appears to be poised to get the Miami Vice/Moonlighting/Twin Peaks slot of the much buzzed-about show that will never land another nomination after it's first season.  House should return if just because it's amazingly cranky lead character disguises the fact that House is actually one of the more "traditional" shows on television today.  As for The Wire, I would be shocked to see it nominated.  At least not on the basis of just one episode.  The Wire was a show that required constant and faithful viewing.  In order to get the impact of each individual episode, the viewer had to be able to consider it against the series as a whole.  Unfortunately, that is exactly what the Emmy process prevents the judges from doing.  Still, hopefully, enough of the judges will have seen the entire series and will be willing to ignore "the rules."

Out of those five, my winner would probably be The Wire. Honestly, I felt that the last season of the Wire was probably its weakest.  The whole newspaper subplot never really came alive and the whole fake serial killer plot thread (while done well and brilliantly acted by Dominic West) was, at time, almost a bit too cute for The Wire.  If I was actually being strict in my judging here, I'd give the award to Lost.  But, I'm not being strict and, as I said, The Wire is a show that can only be properly judged on the basis of the entire series as opposed to individual episodes or even individual seasons.  And, when taken on that basis, there's no way I could pick any show other than The Wire as the best of the previous season.

Best Comedy:

Curb Your Enthusiasm

Entourage

Flight of the Conchords

The Office

30 Rock

Okay, first off.  Flight of the Conchords is one of the most hilarious shows that I've ever seen.  It will not be nominated.  It's probably a bit too quirky for the judges. The Office is one of my favorite TV shows but I also think that it really suffered this year from the writer's strike.  Obviously, the season's storyline was meant to be much longer than just 13 episodes (or however many ended up airing).  As a result, a lot of the show's plotlines (Ryan's hooked on cocaine and out to get Jim, Jan and Michael are breaking up) seemed a bit too rushed.  Still, this season provided it's share of priceless moments (my favorite episode was the hilariously awkward Deposition) and it deserves to be nominated if not necessarily to win.  That pretty much also sums up my feelings towards 30 Rock.  Curb Your Enthusiasm was as uncomfortable a viewing experience as ever but I thought this season was one of its best (almost making up for that whole Producers season) and the show deserves some credit for finally revealing what would actually happen to all of these sitcom boorish husband/perfect wife marriages in real life.  Lastly, Entourage is one of those shows that I'm always surprised to discover is actually a pretty good show.  Last season's arc about the ultimately unsuccessful struggle to create a good film out of Medellin was wonderfully executed.

So, five strong contenders.  It's actually hard for me to narrow it down to one winner so I'll just give the award to the show that kept me consistently laughing throughout the entire course of its season.  And the winner is...

Flight of the Conchords!

We can only wish...

Vice President Bill Gates and Other American Tragedies

I haven't really paid too much attention to the Politico ever since the whole "John-Edwards-Is-Withdrawing-From-The-Race-To-Take-Care-Of-His-Wife" fiasco last year.

(Though I should add that those of us who have been following the political career of John Edwards should have been smart enough to realize that there was no way John Edwards was going to let Elizabeth's health get in the way of his own ambitions...)

(But I digress...)

That said, the Politico has partially redeemed itself in my eyes with an entertaining and amusing article on some longshots in both the Republican and Democratic veepstakes.

The article deals with a few of the more unconventional names that have been mentioned by various political insiders and consultants as possible running mates for either John McCain or Barack Obama.  It's become something of a tradition to toss out at least one totally out-of-left-field name (usually a private citizen) into any veepstakes.  I think it actually started back in 1972 when George McGovern (however briefly) gave some consideration to Walter Cronkite.  Since then, we've seen all sorts of unlikely prospects given consideration. 

The all-time champion of giving consideration to surprising longshots would have to be Walter Mondale who, back in 1984, ended up interviewing a lot of mayors (Dianne Feinstien of San Francisco, Henry Cisneros of San Antonio, Tom Bradley of Los Angeles, W. Wilson Goode of Philadelphia, Kathy Whitmire of Houston) along with the usual white, male suspects (Michael Dukakis, Lloyd Bentsen, and Dale Bumpers in this case).  Mondale, however, also showed the dangers of interviewing too many longshots.  Since no one seriously believed that he would select a Mayor as his running mate (Goode, for his part, had been in office less than a year at the time), it soon started to appear as if Mondale was pandering to special interests.  When he then proceeded to pick a running mate (Geraldine Ferraro) who was a part of the one of the most vocal special interests in the Democratic Party (the Feminist movement), no one took his historic choice all that seriously.

The names mentioned in the Politico article as possible McCain running mates include people like Bill Gates (kiss the Mac vote goodbye), former Ebay CEO Meg Whitman (who, it must be said, would be a more logical choice than the other businesswoman who is currently being given some strangely serious attention by McCain, Carly Fiorina), Rep. Eric Cantor (not a bad idea, either), and William Cohen (who is mentioned as a running mate for McCain though this blog pegged him as a possibility for Obama a while back).

Obama's list of longshots is actually a bit less impressive than McCain's.  Among those names mentioned are Robert Rubin (if you're going to pick an overrated Clinton Cabinet member, why not Robert Reich?  At least he has a sense of humor sometimes...), Tim Roemer (a former Indiana Congressman who will never be picked because he's pro-life), Donna Shalala (uhmm...yeah...okay...seriously, DONNA SHALALA!?), and Colin Powell (it's scary to think how many people were once convinced that Colin Powell should be President.)

Actually, the most impressive potential running mate listed in the article was the man who inspired it in the first place.  That would be Rep. Chet Edwards, a Democrat from my homestate of Texas.  Speaker Nancy Pelosi apparently said that Obama should consider Edwards and, quite honestly, I'm sure some of the motivation for that suggestion was the fact that Crawford, Texas is in his district.

The national media has a tendency to call someone like Rep. Edwards a conservative but then again, the national media tends to stick that label on anyone even slightly to the right of Fidel Castro.  Edwards is a fairly liberal Democrat who has somehow managed to spend 11 years as a player in the national party without succumbing to the urge to become a rabid, foaming-at-the-mouth Leftist. 

The Politico article describes Edwards as being an "unknown."  And, that's an accurate description as far as the rest of the nation is concerned.  However, Chet Edwards -- while still relatively young -- has been a prominent player in Texas politics for over three decades now.  Before getting elected to Congress, Edwards served in the state legislature and he was one of those young politicians who was always getting mentioned as a future governor or senator.  For the most part, he was a respected lawmaker and definitely an insider.

(Hard to believe but there was a time when being an "insider" was an electoral asset.)

It's pretty much been the same story in the U.S. House except for the fact that Edwards is rarely touted for higher office (Pelosi's comments being the major exception).  He's turned out to be a hardworking, non-flashy Congressman who takes care of his district and who doesn't waste his time with the cheap publicity stunts that have come to epitomize the Pelosi Congress.

In short, Chet Edwards is the type of politician who probably could have been nominated by the old Democratic Party of Adali Stevenson and Hubert Humphrey.

But not the new Democratic Party of Bill and Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama.

And, despite being a Libertarian Republican, I have to say that's a real shame.

The You is Understood

Sick of hearing about the Olympics yet?

Gone For Goode

As I sit here typing, I am watching Gone For Goode, the very first episode of Homicide: Life On The Streets on Sleuth.

It's still one of the best first episodes in the television of history and I'm always happy whenever I come across running in syndication.  Among the great moments that I am currently reliving: Richard Belzer yelling "I am not Montel Williams!," Andre Braugher searching for one specific automobile in a parking garage full of identical cars, Jon Polito theorizing that John Wilkes Booth was innocent, Ned Beatty's delivery of the line "Detective Munch..", the way Clark Johnson says, "salami brain," the slow-witted suspect who continually repeats, "I was drinkin," and the first time that Kyle Secor ever sees Adena Watson.

Homicide: Life On The Streets.  I still miss that show.

The Times They Are A Changin' Back

I was flipping channels earlier tonight and I was surprised to come across Dog the Bounty Hunter on A&E.

I guess there really is life after the n-word.

Hell's Kitchen's Final Two or How Wikipedia Saved The Day And Ticked Me Off All At The Same Time

Another season of Hell's Kitchen is coming to a close.  It's a bizarre show, really.  It's hard to imagine that a show about chefs could ruin one's appetite but this show manages to do it.  After a season of watching various chefs attempting to send out food that is either overcooked or raw while all the time being screamed at by Chef Ramsey, I've pretty much decided to give up on eating out.  The risk that one of those failed Hell's Kitchen contestants might be in the kitchen is just too great of a risk.

That said, I do love the show.  It's a guilty pleasure but a pleasure all the same.

Plus, it's one of the only reality shows currently on the air that doesn't feature Mary Murphy and that's certainly a point in it's favor.

(Sorry, folks -- the Hot Tamale Train collided with that ill-fated Amtrak train from The Happening and ended up stopping on top of a bunch of swing dancers who were too busy jitterbugging to hear John Leguizamo shouting "Get off the tracks, you annoying wannabe hipsters!")

After tonight's show, we're down to two chefs remaining.  It comes down to Christina, the pretty young thing who doesn't let her lack of any apparent skill get in the way of her bizarre success on the show, and Petrozzza, who seems to be a really nice guy.  He certainly doesn't deserve to have his name misspelled so let's try that again -- that's Petrozza with two Zs and not three.

(Thanks for clearing that up Wikipedia!  You're the best!  Now, where's my entry!?)

(I'll admit it.  I now spend more time searching for myself in Wikipedia -- and hey!  There I am at the end of this article -- than I do on Google.)

(Oh, like you haven't done the same thing!)

(Oh, and if the person who wrote that article on my old high school happens to read this blog post -- "a personal remembrance of Jeremy Delle's suicide by Jeff Ellis? " Like so many people, you have missed the point of the original essay.  Do me a favor.  If I ever do get an entry in the Wikipedia, let someone else write it.)

(Seriously, it really is in bad taste to cite something that you obviously haven't come anywhere close to comprehending.)

(But back to Hell's Kitchen...)

Me, I'm rooting for Petrozza.

George Carlin, R.I.P.

Comedian George Carlin died yesterday.  He was far too young.

In the years to come, as we view whatever is to become of this world, I am sure that we will ask ourselves many times: "What would George Carlin think?"

Regardless of the situation, the answer will remain the same.

George Carlin would think it was all bullshit.

Carlin began his career in the late '50s (right down here in my home state of Texas, by the way and yes, it is hard to imagine George Carlin in Ft. Worth) and my mom always claimed that he was her favorite comedian up until the moment he started doing his infamous (and hilarious) bit about certain words that you can't say on television.  That bit may have lost her but it made Carlin an icon of the American Underground.  Even during the periodic times when his career slowed down, Carlin remained an icon of American anarchy.

Myself, I knew Carlin best from seeing him perform on reruns of the first episode of Saturday Night Live.  He was the show's first host and famously, he wore a suit jacket over his jeans and t-shirt as an assurance to NBC censors that he wouldn't started saying any of those words you can't mention on television.  While he didn't take part in any skits (because, of course, for the first few episodes, SNL was more of a variety show than a comedy show) but his monologue about the why football is a better game than baseball remained hilarious (and true) decades after it was first delivered.

In the early days of the Fox Television Network, Carlin was the star of a sitcom (called, naturally enough, the George Carlin Show).  Carlin played a taxi driver who was surrounded by far too many wacky characters.  The show didn't really work but Carlin -- for a comedian who specialized in comedy that many people considered to be rather abrasive -- turned out to be a surprisingly likable actor.  And, of course, he was always funny even when the show wasn't.

George Carlin also had an important role in Kevin Smith's religious epic Dogma.  Carlin, a Catholic-turned-atheist, gave a memorably obnoxious performance as a Cardinal who turned out to be "the type of asshole who would bless his own golf clubs."  Dogma is one of those vaguely underrated films that somehow manages to be both very sincere and very satirical at the same time.  Much the same could be said about both Carlin's comedy and the man himself.

George Carlin, R.I.P.

The Things You Hear On TV

I may be mistaken but I'm pretty sure I just heard someone on a reality show make a comment about going up to the (in her words) "tippie top" of the Space Needle in Seattle.

Tippie top?

Seriously, is this a common term that I have somehow missed out on?

Hangman's Revenge

I've been reading Herbert Asbury's All Around The Town, a companion piece of sorts to his famous Gangs of New York.  I came across the following anecdote towards the end of the book (page 229 to be exact):

"The municipal hangman, Ben Johnson, was convicted of various thefts in 1672 and was sentenced to death, robbery at the time being a capital offense.  The court ordered him to hang himself, but he refused to do so and contended that no one else could legally perform his duties.  After much cogitation, the judges reduced his punishment to thirty-nine lashes at the whipping post, loss of an ear, and banishment from the colony, all of which was considered very mild."

I've said it before and I'll say it again.  I was born in the wrong century.

Hagel again

Remember Chuck Hagel?

Hagel's the Republican Senator from Nebraska who has been critical of the Iraq War and who everyone was predicting would run for president this year.  Hard to believe but there was a time when Chuck Hagel was quite a popular figure.  Even this blog, at one point, felt that a Hagel presidential run would be a good thing.

There were, of course, a few early signs that maybe Hagel wouldn't be all he was cracked up to be.  It was hard not to notice that some of his biggest boosters were the same folks behind Unity 08.  Unity 08 was the latest abortive effort to solve all of America's problems by electing an Independent.  This type of thing has been going since 1972 (that was the year that a group of concerned citizens made unsuccessful attempts to nominate Ralph Nader and John Gardner before finally settling on Benjamin Spock) and it must be admitted that there is something strangely endearing about how easily middle-aged, would-be activists can be convinced that all of America's problems can somehow be blamed on the two party system.  The Unity 08 people always seemed to think that Hagel would make the perfect running mate for a Michael Bloomberg or a Sam Nunn. 

However, despite being admired by the whole "reform" crowed, Hagel still looked like a good candidate.  In fact, it seemed like he could literally be the "perfect" candidate.

And then everything fell apart.  Hagel publicly speculated about running for a few weeks.  Then, he finally called a press conference.  When the press arrived, Hagel announced that he would continue to speculate on whether or not to actually run for President.

And the press, reasonably enough, responded to having their time wasted by declaring, "Screw you, Chuck!  We're going to go hype up Fred Thompson!"

And so, we all forgot about Chuck Hagel.

But Hagel, sadly, did not forget about us.  After announcing that he would not run for reelection to the U.S. Senate, Hagel also declared that he was still undecided on whether or not he was going to run for President.  He didn't seem to realize that, by this point, everyone had moved on.  Hell, even Unity 08 broke up before Hagel eventually decided not to run.

All of this has led to the following development.

Nobody gives much thought to Chuck Hagel anymore. 

Nobody except for a few Obama supporters who have suggested that perhaps a renegade Republican would be the perfect running mate for Barack Obama.  Now, that's not necessarily a bad idea.  John McCain is one of the few Republicans who seems to hold any natural appeal to the type of Independent voters who probably thought that Unity 08 was a good idea.  One way that Obama could claim to be the "true nonpartisan" candidate would be by selecting a moderate Republican and framing the fall campaign as a "Unity Ticket." 

(This is what Abraham Lincoln did when he ran with Andrew Johnson in 1864.  Of course, the end results of this weren't really all that positive for either of the men...)

Add to that, the support of a Republican could help Obama with the impression that he's yet another elitist liberal.  And, needless to say, his Republican could always debate McCain's Democrat, Joe Lieberman.

But, seriously -- Hagel?

If Obama really wanted to do something like this, why not pick someone like former Secretary of Defense William Cohen?  Or, for that matter, someone like Sen. Jim Webb who everyone knows is actually Republican even if he is calling himself a Democrat as a result of his own personal bitterness? 

(That said, Webb has a few glaring weaknesses of his own.)

What Obama should not do is select a Republican who has spent the last year mired in indecision and who, somehow, has convinced himself that his inability to commit himself to an actual race is something that the entire nation needs (and wants) to hear about.

For these reasons, I doubt that Obama is going to select Chuck Hagel.  As a matter of fact, I'm sure very few people with a lick of common sense except to see Hagel offered the vice presidency.  Indeed, considering just how unpopular the Republicans are now, why would Obama even want to be associated with the label? 

(It pains my Republican soul to type this, but it appears that the only Republicans who are going to do well this year are the ones running as Democrats.)

(And yes, that includes John McCain.)

Still, the fact that it will never under any circumstances happen, Chuck Hagel has announced that he would consider accepting a hypothetical offer of the Vice Presidency from Barack Obama.

Wow, talk about burning your bridges.  Hagel seems to be forgetting that, with the exception of his position on the War in Iraq, there's actually very little that he has in common with the Democratic Party of Barack Obama.  As well, it's difficult to imagine that the same Democrats who refused to allow Robert Casey to speak at the 1996 Democratic Convention simply because Casey, an old-fashioned liberal in every other respect, was pro-life is going to welcome someone with Hagel's record with open arms.

(Seriously, if they think Joe Lieberman is a right-wing extremist, just wait until they actually meet Chuck Hagel...)

Years from now, the transformation of Chuck Hagel from Presidential Contender to Prominent Political Flake will probably be seen as one of 2008's most intriguing (and entertaining) subplots.