I've seen days I thought would never end...

Well, folks, it's finally November.  With October finally behind us, perhaps now is a good time to reflect over what exactly we've learned over the past 31 days...

I learned that Fight Club still makes me want to go out and throw a swing at a complete stranger.

We learned that Joe Trippi is just the latest in a long line of overrated hack political consultants.  (That said, he does have a kinda cool name.)

We learned that former New Mexico Gov. Gary Johnson will always break your heart.

I attempted to teach the world about Bentsen's Law.  The world yawned.

We learned that college football and Kentucky moonshine can both be contributing factors when it comes to mass alcohol poisoning.

We learned that a random thought post is just another way of saying "Jeff's too lazy to be coherent."

We learned that Hillary Clinton has a temper.  Of course, we learned that last month, too.  And the month before that.  You have to wonder why people are still shocked when Hillary -- or any politician -- does the exact same thing in the present day that they've been doing over the entire course of their career.  It's as if America's become a nation of pothead voters; nobody's got any short-term memory when it comes to politics.  (Or as they said in Half-Baked, "You done smoked yourself retarded!")

We learned how impossible it is not to take a cheap shot at George McGovern.

We learned A&E is a freaky place to visit.

We learned that John Edwards is kind of a schmuck.  (See my comments above re: Hillary and her temper.)

Conspiracy theories: there were a few.

We learned that Dave on Survivor was a bit much but Ed Helms on the Office is still a genius.

We watched as Al Gore pulled a Fosse and picked up yet another award.

We also resolved that Lorelei Leigh would win next year's Nobel for doing her bit to promote peace and togetherness while throwing bullets.

60 Minutes, we discovered, remains blissfully out-of-touch.  (Or as blissful as you can be when you've got Andy Rooney in the office next to you...)

We discovered that years from now, drag queens will be imitating Cate Blanchett's Elizabeth I.

It was revealed that Rick Perry digs Rudy Guiliani.

We discovered that Sam Brownback will only be ignored for so long.

We also discovered that some legends are left better not told.

I discovered how much fun it is to flood the neighborhood.

From out of nowhere, Gone, Baby, Gone turned out to be -- possibly -- the second best film of 2007.  (The first best is the wonderful Irish romantic-comedy-musical Once.)

It turned out that even Stephen Colbert is not safe from the long arm of the law.  America is unique amongst the countries of the world in that it's a nation where a celebrity can get away with killing his wife but not with violating campaign finance legislation.

(Which is not to imply that Colbert has ever murdered his wife or anyone else.  Or that OJ Simpson, Robert Blake, or Phil Spector ever violated campaign finance laws.  Then again, I would put anything past OJ at this point...)

I discovered that my job sucks.  (Again, see my comments re: Hillary Clinton's temper.)

We learned that the lead singers of '80s hair bands had a really dorky habit of saying "Guitar" in the middle of their songs.

I rediscovered the joys of Tawny Kitaen dancing on a car.

We learned that zombies are cool as long as you don't actually have to live with them.

(Yeah, that was kind of a play on words...or something...)

We discovered that presidential candidates can be scary.  (Again, refer to my comments re: Hillary's temper.)

Film audiences discovered that Tilda Swinton can do a lot more than just give brilliant performances in little art films; she can give brilliant performance in overrated mainstream flicks as well!

Lastly, we learned that there is indeed a film called Erotic Nights of the Living Dead and I do indeed own a copy.

So, I guess now the question is: were the lessons learned worth the cost paid?

Hmmm...

We'll have to give that some thought.

For now, though, just remember this and don't worry: 2007's nearly over!