Nicholas Murray Butler rolls over in his grave

The President of Iran spoke at Columbia U. earlier today.  As is typical of today's politically active campus, he was cheered for attacking Israel and booed for dismissing homosexuals.  Along with all the usual theocratic rhetoric that we've come to expect from visiting Middle Eastern leaders, he also answered select questions from the students.  A sampling of his more interesting answers:

When asked which version of the Koran he preferred, "The third one."

"The one with all the furry things."  (When asked which of the six Star Wars films is the best.)

On the Sopranos finale: "Yeah, what was up with that?"

(On whether Kate should hook up with Jack or Sawyer): "What about Sayid?"

When asked why good things happen to bad people: "The Jews."

When asked why birds suddenly appear every time he is near: "The Jews."

"Boxers, usually. It really depends on the mood I'm in when I wake up."

"I do not always drink beer but when I do, I prefer Dos Equis"

When asked if he was prepared to forgive Salman Rushdie: "Hey, that dog-licking infidel knows where to find me."  When asked what he would do if a meeting with Rushdie could be arranged: "I would behead him."  This response was promptly applauded by students who assumed that the word "behead" must have a different meaning in the president's native tongue.

When accused of oppressing the rights of women in Iran, the president proceeded to sing Thank Heaven For Little Girls while tap dancing.  The audience of students proceeded to give him a standing ovation with the exception of one student who was promptly tasered when he asked Iran's president a question concerning John Kerry.

Iran's President also went on to explain that he does not advocate destroying the land of Israel; just the Jews who live on it.  Two hours later, several fatwas were issued calling for his immediate execution for the crime of being an infidel.

All in all, it was another proud day in the history of American higher learning.